Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Hi I'm Jess, I don't wear Jeans.

Not wearing jeans has turned over the past few years, from a casual preference, to a rule to be obeyed at any costs. Don't get me wrong here though, its not that I don't want to wear Jeans, I just can't. Okay, go all sarcastic and witty on me why don't you, yes I know I'm wearing jeans above, which proves I physically can wear jeans, but my dear friends, its on an emotional turmoil level that I simply cannot bear them.

I fear we must back track and delve into the precious territory of my previous contact with jeans. I didn't become an owner of a pair of jeans till around age 10. And again, it was not that I didn't want to, believe me you'd be able to tell for the tears cried and the envious looks at everyone elses denim wonders during primary school non uniform days. (genes for jeans day was and still is the worst.) The reason was pretty simple, and although I've spent the past ten minutes or so trying to come up with a less offensive term to myself, I've basically always been a little fatty. I prefer that then being called either "chubby" or the worst, "cuddly" over the years...you might as well just say I'm fat and get on with it, but anywayyy...I was basically born with bigger hips then the whole team of Olympics gymnasts put together and therefore attempting to fit myself into a pair of jeans was really not by cup of tea (or full fat coke ;))

Then came Tammy's jeans, and a surprise, they fitted!  Though like a pack of non diet pringles, once you pop, you can't stop. A lethal combination of an emo phase and a new found ability to fit into denim came jeans, and jeans, and just more jeans. 8 pairs of black skinnies, and a pair in each of the following; normal blue, electric blue, hot pink, purple and green. I just couldn't help myself.  So I hope its clear to see one reason for this emotional turmoil involving jeans is the repeat button. Its like when 'Someone Like You' by Adele was played constantly on every radio station, all of the time. You just get sick of it, it becomes standard, it becomes boring. (Though I will always adore Adele and that song) but Jeans just became my standard item, and if you haven't noticed, I'm a person bored unbelievably easy. I like change, and I like things to always be evolving, so sticking your legs into denim, day in day out, can be mind numbing and boring.

But the second, and more important reason for my emotional turmoil is because after years of pretending, I know that they just don't suit me. I admittedly own a high waisted navy pair that I wear to death, but normal standard jeans just aren't me. And although I still all to often kid myself while entering changing rooms that I've found the magic pair, its safe to say I probably never will. And really, Its quite horrible to realise something you want, is something you will never have, no matter how hard you try.  Its like all of my proportions are in direct opposition with my heart and head and scream,  "No Jess, you can't wear jeans, the whole of the population can look good in them, but nott youuu." and so every time I put a pair on, its a real confidence defeater. I guess I'll just one day have to accept that being different is not always fun. For as much as I stand out in colour, sometimes, on my shy days I would like to blend into the world in a pair of jeans.

So next time you ask why I don't wear Jeans, remember its not so much as a choice, but as a decision weaved by many experiences over the years. Primary school playgrounds and too much eyeliner have formed  a realisation that its fun to be different when you can, but its not so fun when you have no choice. I'm Jess, I don't wear jeans. and its because they make me sad.


Monday, 30 July 2012

Monday musings.

I thought I'd finally make some sort of conscious effort to regain my love for the blogging world, but since the whole original subject matter has ejected itself firmly out the window i'm left a little unsteady on my feet as to what I'm going to write about, so bare with me on that one. I might just ramble on about the musings demanding mainstream focus in all the various cavities of my brain, or if your lucky, I'll through a few photos and deep philosophical quotes around here for good measure.  Until I come up with anything half decent, I might as well inform all you readers as to what I spent this Monday doing.
  I should have awoke from a dreamlike slumber at 9AM sharp and hastily set out sending emails and planning things for Bakewell, but in true Jess Corcoran style, I uncurled at somewhere past 11 and then dragged myself downstairs, negotiated the TV (we've some new sky HD box, its only real use is too make you feel better when you realise that celebrities can also look a tired and have patchy makeup too, but anywayyy)  and then  settled to watch some wholesome Olympic goodness while munching on a cupcake for breakfast, cause you know, I'm super healthy.

Once I'd actually made myself presentable it was time for a few hours to be spent with my DNA sharers. We wandered around the shops and took a trip to the supermarket rapidly taking over the world. No joke, don't they just like pop up on every corner? hmm, I might get some diet coke,  *cue mock horror at yet another tesco.*  Then I decided to spend nearly ten pound on what seems like absolutely nothing (Vogue, the I, a limited edition bottle of full fat coke, chicken noodle salad, crispsss) Okay, so maybe its just the bargain hunter lurking within me, but still, out of principle, I'd like a lot more for my moneyyy.

After this came a hour or so of tickle wars, hair combing and raspberry blowing with Jacob, who at 4 and a half, is quite possibly my favourite person in the whole wide world. I think his adorably cute laughter, inquisitive nature and hysterically funny antics are enough to put any one in a delightful little mood.  But just don't try steal bunny or froggy.

Even at just gone 8PM the light is streaming through my blinds so I might take a trip all the way downstairs and read vogue in the garden, whilst basking in the sun. Or I'll make a hot chocolate, and watch a film, quite possibly Remember me. I'm tempted to finally unravel the cellophane off my copy of the notebook, but I fear for my emotional heath after hearing its a complete and utter tearjerker, and since I'm the type of girl that cried over watching the royal wedding it might be best to prop myself up with various friends before I take the plunge.  How was your monday?


Thursday, 19 July 2012


I'd like to pretend I've been doing something really worthwhile with all my spare time, but to be honest, I've spent the two months or so dyeing the ends of my hair random colours, avoiding blogging and developing a hatred for all things UCAS related. I might as well update my facebook relationship status to 'in a relationship with the UCAS course finder', and I'm not even joking. Like seriously, I have some sort of what am I going to do with the rest of my life? breakdown at least every other day. And its obvious since my very odd random recent blog posts have all mentioned something about University. And so I'm going to try shutting up about it. "Cause I've got loads of time to decide" even though I quite obviously haven't, but yeah, i'll stop rambling now and try writing something that is of vague interest.

So Er Hi. I guess I should explain my blogging absence. Its been so long since I regularly updated so in all honesty I could throw a bunch of reasons at you and they'd all tell a little part of the story. But basically, It went a little something like this.
Me, in all my destructive skills, managed to break my laptop.  Then along came my birthday. Then along came exams, which alone admittedly would have only set me back for a month or so. But then what appeared was a wave of crippling fear. I felt inferior, unable to write, scared to welcome blogging back into my life. I don't know how or when it happened, but lets just say there is around 11 or so blog posts scattered around that tell the tale of not being able to tackle my own demons. I just couldn't finish a paragraph successfully, its not that the words weren't there, but that they somehow felt trapped? Oh I probably sound so pretensions right now, but I felt trapped in what my blog was, and I didn't know the next level forward.

And in all honesty I still don't really know which way to go with things, but I think i'm scrapping the whole connotation of 'Holy Tightss' . I'm not going to just write about Religion and Fashion, though they are a part of me, they are not all of me. And although I don't really know what is, I'm going to try find it.  So be prepared for what ever inspires/ or interests me.

                                  Or I might just become a deer.

Friday, 13 July 2012

A list to myself...

                              I've forever giving advice, I think its time to take my own.

1. Get healthy.
 Going a day (or two) without drinking ANYTHING is really not a wise move is it? your lack of water and vitamins is starting to show in your ever tired and puffy eyes, the headaches, and come on, at times your quite literally seeing stars. I don't care if you hate the taste of strawberries, they look so lovely, so start eating them. And swap your Mango and Passion fruit cooler from Costa to some actually mango's and passionate fruits. Take a bottle of water with you wherever you go, and be in bed by midnight, every night. You know you'll regret it come 8AM if you don't. 

2. Start thinking. Even though all you've heard in the past month is "university" the summer does not mean its time to stop. Although Staying up till 2AM on the UCAS website course hunting was not your best idea, its time to get serious. You've never been quite so stressed as much as this, so get list making, colour coding. get deciding. Life aint going to be candy canes and sugar plums i'm afraid, so get your act together and start making choices. 

3. Get organized.  Don't blame your busy schedule, and just learn to keep your room tidy for more then 5 minutes. Its claustrophobic when you  have to strategically get from your unmade bed to the door without standing on clothes, or books, or plugs, or well, anything.   And don't go all crazy, but please, buy some sort of filing system. Your always stressed cause your brain can't take anymore. 

4. Seek God.  Jess, what on earth have you been doing for the past few months? I know you wish you could grow back down and be thirteen all over again, but its time to face the mistakes and the seemingly ever piling list of bad character traits that make you question just who you've become. Your still there somewhere, just find God, and you'll begin to find yourself again. 

5. Get inspired.  Fall in love with your camera all over again, remember what it feels like to watch a film and want to change the world. Spark conversations with people that make you want to be a better human being.  Get reading, but most importantly, get writing. If you want to have houses in Paris and New York you better start writing your novel that will outsell 50 shades of grey.